01:09 

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kinkshamer
I have always said I am not really good with words. And always I have been told otherwise. Still don't really know who was right, though.
My life, for as long as I can remember, has been mostly a downward spiral, and believe me, I am not being overdramatic here. Betrayals of the closest ones, losses of loved ones, moments of pure existential despair, well, everything we all face one way or another. Nothing that can't be got used to, really. But the concentration of such events wrapped in my yet short life pushes me to the point where the brief moments of sunshine and carelessness as memories do hurt much more than what I actually did get used to. Another senseless tragedy seems quite normal compared to those glimpses of hope for a better and brighter future given to me and then mercilessly denied. Time and time again. Takes a lot of effort to recover from such a blow. But somehow I have managed to recover. When a life goal faulters, I desperately look for another, because I am one of those people for whom meaning of what they do, their so called "purpose" actually does mean a lot.
I have been stuck inside this vicious cycle for as long as I can remember, and never really shouted it out. So, why now? I don't really know. Maybe I am indeed getting close to my limit of holding this inside my tiny shell and between people that I most trust and who will eventually betray or simply abandon me. Don't mistake this as a desperate cry for help because I learned that it is my sole journey and the only person who can really help me now is myself. Maybe I just finally managed to wrap this story into the words I'm so not good with. Yeah, let's look at this like that.

Not so long ago it happened again. Standing up there in the midst of another anxiety attack on my feet weakened by another attemt of overcoming the instinct of self-preservation, dressed really unfit for such a cold occasion completely unaware of where I actually am and ignoring the scenery of my hometown still asleep on that last day of winter, I made the clumsiest action of them all for a person in my situation. Simply checked the time. But for us, the generation of internet and smratphones it doesn't really end with simply checking the time. In fact, we often forget to actually DO check the time, and, like I did, suddenly obtain a new hope, which would carry me on for the best year of my life. A hope that would shine brigter than a thousand suns (or atomic explosions, whichever suits your imagination more). A flame so bright it made all those past hopes that were given and stripped away look faded and bleak. After all these years of being on the verge of the complete existential despair, that really set my soul ablaze. Returned me to the world of living, this time fully...
Yeah, well, of course this is all about love. What else? What else can give a man such a large amount of hope, a purpose, make them feel better? Yep, the (in)famous "L-word". One wouldn't agree only if they never felt that. It's much like a stroke (and trust me, I have been through an actual stroke, so I know what I am talking about, and such goes to any other further case of comparison here).
So, that hope which I was given as that particular winter died has eventually grow into something really beautiful, powerful, as bright as the first sun ray you see after you have been trapped inside a metal container for days. It really has "given me wings", made me see the world in different, more vivid color palette. Breathed the long forgotten feeling of life into my lungs. Returned me back from the Slowly Waste Away Land, so to say. Yep. I believe that is what they say to describe falling in love after they had been feeling dead inside for years. No point in going into contemplation of what do I think the word "love" even means, since everybody has their unique definition of the given feeling/emotion/state of mind/etc.

So, the Dark Age of my life was over. For the first time in such a long while I was happy, and it only grew over time. Of course, every love story is notable and interesting for it's imperfections, but love itself is not perfect. It brings dependence on the other. Stronger for some folks like me, who looks for their purpose on the outside rather than on the inside, like self-improvement, their egocentric achievements and so on. It's not a bad thing though, because you are the only person you have from cradle to grave. But, again, folks like me don't value themselves unless they can bring good to the others. These guys get burned the most, I must say, though. Unlucky ones, in a certain way. But, you know, suum cuique, to each his own, каждому своё.
After the two most tragic losses I have had in my life I thought I could never love again.

The last year proved me horrendously wrong.

It banished the nightmares that were haunting me for years, certain health issues stepped aside, allowing me to breathe fully, I have gained knowledge of what a person is capable of doing for the other being light years away, I experienced true happiness, learned how to love against all odds. No matter what.

I just don't want to be denied of this, too.

And now, that I have been spit into the adult world all of a sudden, having to manage everything on my own, I am scared, just like the first time I ever experienced fear, of losing the only thing that lights my way on this dark and gruesome journey. Scared of that all those happy moments, tears, vows, sacrifices, laughs will become for nothing and fade into the emptiness that will fill my shell once again once it's gone.

@темы: #ThisIsHowIBreak

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2016-05-17 в 11:01 

'Ve read this all.
Well, that sounds really strong.
But I didn't get the conclusion (sorry if that's my fault): are you going to abandon your feelings or has this happened already? Or did I totally misunderstand?

2016-05-18 в 20:57 

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kinkshamer
Rida Mirror, this is all too complifucked to be concluded yet, but I'm starting to feel like giving up. It's been really too much over thae last couple of months in every other aspect of my life. So I'm not even sure how this story ends and if there is a chance of something good to come of all this.

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2016-05-18 в 22:39 

Ноктифер, it's your choice to believe in it or not but maybe it's worth trying if that warms you so much?

2016-05-25 в 12:12 

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kinkshamer
Rida Mirror, worth trying, yes, because it does make me as close to happy as anything ever did, but he keeps denying me of it and then comes back and over and over again it repeats and repeats and repeats.

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2016-05-25 в 12:27 

Mother of God, sounds too harsh. You talked to him about his behavior and how does it feel like, I presume? Does he think it's hopeless?

2016-05-26 в 03:16 

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kinkshamer
Every time I try to talk about it it only gets worse. The fact of him having someone else over there doesn't really help.

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2016-05-26 в 09:50 

Yeah, I see. It's up to you then, I suppose. To choose between 2 evils. What is more painful - to know he has someone else or to live without him at all...

2016-05-28 в 16:04 

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kinkshamer
What can I say. I love sufferingggggggggggg gg wp
I'll get what I want. Whatever cost may be.

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2016-05-29 в 00:16 

You do :)
That was unexpected, too self-confident, I'd say. And what do you want?)

2016-05-29 в 18:00 

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kinkshamer
I want a life with the man who makes me happy. That is all.

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2016-05-30 в 00:39 

Then everything I can say is that you will get what you _want_, exactly.

2016-05-30 в 12:13 

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kinkshamer
Maybe.

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